Growing into Truth

There is a running joke I have with my husband. Whenever we do something that is completely predictable, or on brand behaviour for someone we know well, we say with affectionate humour “Classic Peg!” (It’s a SNL skit that we’ve adopted). I get a ‘Classic Jo’ every time I forget to set a timer and end up burning food. There are some things I still do, even though past experience or sheer logic would teach me to change my ways. While it’s good to be able to laugh at oneself with someone who knows and loves you well, there are some things I do which are ‘Classic Jo!’, which I really do want to change. Personal makeovers are most certainly a long game, but effort alone isn’t the solution, there are some things that can only be changed by God, his truth and in his good time.

When I was younger I erroneously thought I would have worked through all my issues and learned all I needed to know to do life well come middle age, but growing older has only meant encountering a whole new set of situations where I’m surprised by the things that still need addressing. New challenges bring to the surface unhelpful habits and beliefs that have long been buried deep. However, uprooting is necessary if I am to grow more into the person God made me to be; more Christlike. And boy am I glad he means to do this work in me.

Recently growing pains have been centred around learning a new skill. I have been training to become a swim instructor. I had contemplated taking this step for quite a while, as I am never one to jump into a new venture without vigorous consideration. After pondering, praying, and sounding out those who know me best for their opinions, I decided it was time to give it a go.

While I have experienced the very normal nerves of anyone starting something new, what follows a positive time of learning in the pool, is a persistent voice of self doubt that grows louder in my head the more credence I give to it. It’s a very familiar narrative. It’s classic Jo! “Why are you doing this; this is beyond you. It’s too hard. You’ve bitten off more than you can chew! Stop trying to be someone you are not. Everyone else is so good at what they do. What if I’m hopeless at this? What if I get sick again? You’ll disappoint people just like you’ve done before…”

Writing these thoughts down, I can’t help but be concerned by my negative narrative, one of self doubt and insecurity. A tendency to focus on all the things I cannot do, and a presumption that I will fail. And sitting behind all these fears is a need for validation from those around me; their approval and affirmation are important to my feeling like I’m measuring up. So I ask myself, “why do I always doubt my abilities and worry about what others think?” Where does this insecurity come from? For this question I’m learning to reflect upon significant moments from the past that have remained with me; articulating the feelings associated with these memories, which have then led to an internalised belief about myself.


To understand the origin of a belief I’ve long held and lived by, is my starting place for redress. What follows is allowing God to speak into that moment. I can recall with clarity the first time I was aware of being a disappointment academically; self conscious of what I thought was my failure. I felt exposed and embarrassed, and wished more than anything to hide my shortcomings. What has then followed me throughout all my years of formative learning have been experiences that reinforced my belief that I wasn’t clever or good enough.

So… what would God say to an embarrassed 7 year old who wanted so desperately to be told she’d done a good job? What is God’s truth for those of us who care what other people think? While I have always known at a head level that God loves me. That he put me together in a special way, giving me gifts and talents that are uniquely me. I admit it has taken me a long time to believe that at a heart level. To really believe that God not only loves me, but likes me. He delights in me. And because of this alone, I can know with full assurance I don’t need to be embarrassed or ashamed in front of him, for he already knows what’s in my heart and the steps I take.

I find the words of Psalm 139 such a comfort. It speaks of God knowing us completely, nothing is hidden from him, nothing is beyond is knowledge, care, capability and control. It is a truth I am growing into. That I live for an audience of one; my loving Heavenly Father who made me. And I want to say along with King David the psalmist in verse 23-24, “Search me, God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Life experience is indeed a great teacher, especially when it comes to understanding myself. With this deeper understanding, I have more self compassion, and for that lesson alone I am very grateful, for I know I’m my harshest critic. Life experience also means a growing list of ways God has been faithful to me. My many doubts and failures, wobbles and worries, have all been attended to by God’s word of mercy, love and grace. God has proven to me time and time again that he is faithful, even when I am faithless. God in his kindness has allowed so many different challenges over the years that have forced me to have a deep look into my heart, and humbly ask him to change in me the things that needed changing. I wouldn’t want to be young again, but equally so I’m glad God hasn’t finished with me yet.

PS: I finally got accredited as a swim instructor. I got there in the end with God’s help.