Colours of my life

  There is one thing I have been most afraid of my entire life, I have had a fear of death…and not just for myself, for those who are closest to me. It’s not because I fear that there isn’t a God who promises life eternal in heaven or that deep down I don’t believe I’m saved. I think it’s more to do with a fear there will be pain in dying, and being a highly emotional person, I fear the brevity of my emotions. So when my sister was first diagnosed with stage four cancer, I was suddenly forced to grapple what I had long feared the most, the potential of loosing a loved one. The confronting realisation that all of us will die, our lives are in God’s hands, and none of us know how long we have to live in this world. It was taking an abstract biblical truth and then putting flesh and bones on it. A lot of big emotions ran through me on a daily basis, and at first I found it to be a very confusing time as my relationship with my sister was very close but at times complicated. Cancer in ...

There are some seasons of life that we really didn’t ask for or seek out, that in turn throw up big questions to God, questions of “why me?”, “How did this happen?”, “How long is this going to be?”, “How can I face tomorrow?” And maybe alongside these questions are cries of desperation, fear and inadequacy. ”I don’t think I can do this anymore”, “I don’t know what to do next”, “I’m overcome by worry”. These were some of my cries and questions in a season of great fear and anxiety. For me, the circumstances that precipitated this season were centred around parenting teenagers. In every life stage of raising children, I have had many challenges, and each child has had their own particular one’s that needed nuanced wisdom and prayer. But the teen years for one of my kids was a curve ball I didn’t see coming, and when it hit, it was incredibly scary and painful. It affected the whole family, and as a mother I felt a lot of responsibility for what was happening. Home was supposed to be a sa...

The  second season I want to share is one of excitement and adventure. It wasn’t one free from challenge, for I was far from home and support, raising children who were very sensitive to change and dealing with the very normal challenges of the primary school years. But my overwhelming memory is one of excitement and delight. It began with my husband Chris who had for a very long time desired to live and work overseas and have a bit of an adventure. For the first 9 years of marriage, every time he raised the subject I was overwhelmed by fear. I couldn’t imagine leaving my family. After many years of living with simple means we were blessed with a year of plenty and the question was raised again…this time my anxiety was around spending a lot of money on something I was worried was frivolous. I was worried about what others would think of us, was this something a Christian should do. It was a time I really sought God out for wisdom and clarity. Never before had I had choice like this...