There are some seasons of life that we really didn’t ask for or seek out, that in turn throw up big questions to God, questions of “why me?”, “How did this happen?”, “How long is this going to be?”, “How can I face tomorrow?” And maybe alongside these questions are cries of desperation, fear and inadequacy. ”I don’t think I can do this anymore”, “I don’t know what to do next”, “I’m overcome by worry”. These were some of my cries and questions in a season of great fear and anxiety. For me, the circumstances that precipitated this season were centred around parenting teenagers. In every life stage of raising children, I have had many challenges, and each child has had their own particular one’s that needed nuanced wisdom and prayer. But the teen years for one of my kids was a curve ball I didn’t see coming, and when it hit, it was incredibly scary and painful. It affected the whole family, and as a mother I felt a lot of responsibility for what was happening. Home was supposed to be a safe place, but my home had become a place of fear, of anger and of hurt. I was ashamed and frightened and turned to God in desperation.
At this point I was just clinging on to him. Psalm 46 vs 1-2 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. It goes on to say in vs 4, “There is a river whose streams make glad he city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.” This psalm is a precious reminder of God’s character. He is a safe place that we can run to. He is strong and mighty to save. And when our lives and the things we’ve thought were unshakeable begin to crumble, we can trust that he is unshakeable. God is a firm foundation.
It took a very long time to see God’s goodness shine in this season. There was a complexity of issues that called for special help. It was not something myself or us as a family could do on our own. In the eye of the storm God provided practical and specialised help, in the form of councillors and psychologists to help my teen and in turn help Chris and I. And it would take me many years to work through post traumatic stress. However, I am so grateful to God for the good work he did in me. He smashed some pretty big idols I had subconsciously held, he made me more compassionate towards others and changed how I parented. There were unhelpful ideals I had long stuck to that needed to be reshaped, making me see that having a good relationship with my children was more important than my children “being Christian” or “being good.” God has been faithful to me and my family. We’re by no means perfect, but we love each other, we have a new understanding of each other, and we do get along. I can say truthfully I have a good relationship with my kids.
If you are experiencing fear and anxiety, the bible is packed full with words of hope and comfort for you. God is an ever present help in times of trouble. But know too that there is professional help, and I encourage you to seek it out, talk to a trusted person. There are many avenues of help available, and God can use others to help us.
Chronic pain is something I have lived with my entire adult life. It’s been a back drop to every season, with fluctuations between acute pain and then patches of wellness. But it wasn’t until the Covid years, which followed quickly on the heels of intense fear and anxiety that I entered a season of confusing illness. I was reduced to a fatigue so debilitating that a lot of my days were spent lying on the couch with little improvement to my stamina no matter how much I rested. My world well and truely shrunk and my mental well being was tested as I oscillated between praying the prayer of acceptance and wanting and hoping for more wellness. For quite confusingly this season of illness coincided with me doing ministry training. I had long felt that if ever I was to commit to work outside of the home I wanted to work in vocational ministry, and had felt led by God to pursue this. So to be unwell, to the point of being unable to work for the church in the role and way that was expected of me was extremely humbling and to be honest very upsetting.
It was a confusing time as my symptoms were broad, encompassing insomnia, PTS, chronic back pain, headaches, fatigue and brain fog. I felt pressure to do more and embarrassed and helpless that I couldn’t. I was challenged by the words of Paul in 2 Corinthians vs 8 when he says, “3 times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” But in this season, God spoke to me repeating this word, from Psalm 46 vs 10 “Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.” Because of very recent times where I had experienced God’s closeness in time of great trial, it felt more natural for me to run to God first and trust that he was in control of something I had no control over. In many ways it was a time of God wooing me to surrender to him and trust in his timing and process. He also broke down the preconceptions I had of this season. I remember when I took on the ministry apprenticeship I thought it would be a great season of life to be giving more of my time to God, but God had very different plans for me. And while in that season I was yet to find the answers to the root cause, (it would be another 4 years before I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia) I was being taught by God to see that he loved and valued me not for what I could do for him, but for who I was to him. Precious and dearly loved. He was also teaching me a dependence on his daily help. And his daily help was what I needed the most when I entered a season of grief.
Illness can come in many forms, for some it might be physical, for others mental, it may be acute or chronic. You might be caring for someone who is suffering from illness. Illness can be very lonely and isolating, sometimes illness may make accessing God’s written word very hard. This may mean doing things differently, connecting with God in new ways. Maybe having your partner read and pray for you, or connecting once a week with a friend to read the bible. It might be listening to an audio bible. Whatever form it takes, I encourage you to seek a way that’s most helpful for you to connect with God and with others.
Comments
Post a Comment